Self-compassion is when we understand and have compassion aimed toward ourselves, which is different from self-care in that self-care are things we do for ourselves such as take a bath, get a facial, go to the spa, and other similar things, but self-compassion is more about what we do to improve the inner self.
Why do we need self-compassion? Paul Gilbert the author of The Compassionate Mind explains that through messages we get from society, jobs, family, friends and significant others, we become hard on ourselves. Sometimes thinking things like “I’m not good enough” or “I need to be doing more”. We put ourselves down and need to be nicer to ourselves.
Let’s jump right in. Kristina Neff, author of the book titled Self-Compassion, explains that self-compassion is comprised of three parts: mindfulness, self-kindness, and connectedness.
Mindfulness is the practice of being in the moment. Some examples of ways you can practice mindfulness are meditation, prayer, and spending time in nature, just to name a few. When you practice mindfulness, you want to make sure you observe and describe the experience you are having. You also want to only do one thing at a time without judgement. Practicing mindfulness means you can’t be multitasking. Splitting your attention between two or more things would not allow you to be in the moment.
The next component is self-kindness. Self-kindness can be difficult when we blame ourselves for everything that is wrong. We can learn to say self-kind statements such as “I am only human” and “I am trying my best”. When you say those statements, it feels different and kinder than “I’m not good enough.” So as you can imagine talking kinder to yourself makes you feel different. It can improve your mood and when you improve your mood you do more things for yourself and allow yourself grace during challenging times. One way to test how kind you are being to yourself is the “best friend test”. Consider what you would say to a friend asking your advice. Would you speak to them in the same way or say the same words as what you are saying to yourself? Or are you being harder on yourself than you would be with others? This can be a warning flag that some work needs to be done around increasing self-kindness.
Lastly, we discuss connectedness. Most people, when they feel depressed, will isolate themselves from their friends and family. Connectedness is remembering that we are not alone. Connectedness normalizes the situation and creates awareness on how we are not in this alone. Asking for help can be a monumental task and anyone who has done it and had good results can tell you how much that improved their quality of life. Friends, family, support groups, and therapy can all help us feel connected to others.
Ask yourself some simple questions:
Am I tough on myself?
How can I start to practice mindfulness?
How can I practice self-kindness?
In what ways can I get or stay connected to others?
Authored by Erin Ladwig, LMHC
