Grief is challenging in any season, but during the holidays, it can feel especially heavy. The festive decorations, cheerful music, and gatherings can magnify the loss, leaving us feeling out of sync with the world around us. In times like these, it’s crucial to listen to ourselves as we would a beloved friend—gently, compassionately, and without judgment.
Permission to Step Back
The holidays often come with an unspoken pressure to be joyful, to attend every gathering, and to embody the holiday spirit. But when you’re navigating grief, these expectations can feel impossible to meet. When my mom passed away it was the beginning of December, and I vividly remember that pressure. Friends and family encouraged me to join celebrations and to “stay strong,” but it felt like wearing a mask—pretending to be okay when I wasn’t. That mask didn’t protect me; it left me exhausted,
inadequate, and even more hopeless.
Looking back, I wish I had listened to my instincts and given myself permission to step back. To say no to some gatherings, to let go of the pressure, and to spend that holiday season honoring my emotions rather than suppressing them. Grief needs space and it does not take a break during holidays, and it’s okay if that space doesn’t align with society’s expectations.
What Grace Looks Like
Giving yourself grace during the holidays might mean:
● Skipping a party and staying home to reflect.
● Creating new traditions that feel meaningful to you.
● Finding small ways to honor your loved one, like lighting a candle in their memory.
Most importantly, it means trusting yourself to decide what feels right. Just as you would comfort a dear friend in their time of need, extend that same kindness to yourself. It does not mean that we have to isolate, but maybe holding the awareness of what we can do without pushing ourselves to a place that does not feel comfortable. Accept where we are right now in the grieving process. As Gary Roe says, our heartache honors our loved one, and the grief is part of saying “I love you” to the ones we lost. He also
reminds us that grief takes time and “it’s not a sprint, but a marathon”, therefore it takes pacing. And during holidays it might look like slowing things down instead of exhausting ourselves even further (Surviving the Holidays Without You: Navigating Grief During Special Seasons).
Gary Roe mentions that we don’t move on without our loved ones, but we move on with them in a new way. So what are some ways to honor our loved ones during the holidays? It could be cooking their favorite dish, lighting a candle in their memory, donating to a cause they cared about, maybe engaging in some of the things they enjoyed, sharing memories of them with others. The ways I honor my loved ones is by cooking the first recipe my mom taught me, and playing scrabble or doing some crossword
puzzles since these are the things I enjoyed with my dad.
We have to remind ourselves that grief and joy can coexist, and it’s ok to grieve and celebrate at the same time. Our loved ones would want us to find pockets of peace and happiness even in their absence.
Written by Mihaela Stoian
