The holiday season from Thanksgiving to New Years is thought to be a jubilant, festive time of year. But for many people who have experienced a significant loss, whether that loss is a death, loss of health, divorce, or any event that has led to feelings of grief, the holidays bring with them reminders of what was and what could have been. Guilt, despair, and a longing for the expectations of the future, that we now also must grieve, can dominate our holiday months. So how can someone make it through this time of year in a meaningful way, not just by going through the motions and hoping for it to finally be over? While the answer to this is individual, we can draw from the holidays themselves as examples of how light, both literally and metaphorically, can provide for us a way to remember, to honor, and to celebrate our lives, our past, and our future.
The holidays celebrated during November and December – from Thanksgiving and Diwali to Hanukkah, Christmas, and Kwanzaa – all incorporate the use of light. Thanksgiving tables are often adorned by taper candles glowing with light as we reflect on what has inspired gratitude and for what we are most thankful. Diwali and Hanukkah are Festivals of Lights. Diwali lights and Hanukkah Menorahs light the homes of those celebrating. Christmas lights are meant to be a reminder of the Christmas star, the meaning of Christmas, and the spirit of joyfulness. Kwanzaa is a seven-day celebration of African American culture and unity where a Kinara (candle holder) holds the Mishumaa Saba (the seven candles that are lit). Also, Ramadan celebrations typically include lanterns and lights in the streets (this year Ramadan was in March).
The holidays incorporate light as a metaphor for a deeper meaning or tradition. The flickering flames of candles or the glow of festive lighting create a reaction in people that triggers feelings of warmth, comfort, reminiscing, reflection, and youthful delight. How can this carry over for someone who feels very much in the dark during this time of year? There is of course the use of light through festive lighting or candles that can help remind and honor the past in a personal sense as it is meant to do in the Holiday metaphors. Many people will light a candle to honor and remember someone or something that was lost. A favorite ornament, a family menorah, or a way of decorating the house with lights to feel closer to someone no longer there to share in the holiday is another. Many parents maintain traditions that their children loved as a way to feel closer to them during the holidays. Likewise, people missing a parent or sibling may also feel comforted by maintaining family traditions. We often encourage people to keep some of the old but also incorporate some new so the experience feels authentic to the incredible changes happening within the family.
There is also an inner light, a nurturing of the soul, that can be sparked. Or if already ignited, that spark can be made brighter. Everyone is different, and the fire within each of us burns in a different rhythm and is fed by different things. However, there are some moments that many people find to be good kindling for this fire within. The first is to give to others, to find someone else that can benefit from what you have to give – whether it is sharing a good cry with a friend, bringing your leftovers or packing a meal to offer to someone living on the street, or volunteering your time to a worthwhile organization or movement. Sharing your time, your self, and your heart with another person can warm your spirit in ways that are immeasurable.
The second, and in my opinion the most important, is to validate and respect the emotions you are experiencing, while also making room for new and positive emotions minus the guilt or negative self-talk. What does this mean? Well, again it’s different for everyone, but basically this means that sadness, hurt, and anger, while horrible to feel, are sometimes necessary. Feeling these emotions does not mean that you are limited from also experiencing joy and laughter. Many people find themselves avoiding situations like holiday parties where they are fearful of being happy and therefore feeling guilty for feeling happy. Or they worry about others judging them for being out and having a good time. You can be sad for a loss and still deserve moments of happiness too. In grief, our hearts are able to hold conflicting emotions simultaneously. Joy and pain can co-exist. It is important to refrain from judging ourselves and try to be free with however we feel in the moment. And for the others surrounding you, never forget: the people that matter don’t mind and the people that mind don’t matter!
Ultimately, it is up to you to determine what will create a light within you during the holidays, what will provide you with warmth and comfort. Find your light in the darkness, feed that light throughout the holidays, and search for ways to kindle that light throughout the whole year. If you are in need to exploring ways to make this happen, we are here for you. GriefTREE was founded so no one would have to navigate grief alone.
With warm wishes this holiday season,
Lisa Zucker, MSW, LCSW, CT
