Posted on Rent.com, featuring insights from Lisa Zucker
With Halloween around the corner, death may be on the mind more than normal. While we could take a macabre approach and focus on haunted houses and the like, we’re taking a more intimate approach to discuss home deaths in this article.
Whether you’re preparing for someone to pass in your rental or are looking to cleanse your apartment or are dealing with the room of someone who’s no longer in your home, we’re here to help. Regardless of what you’re dealing with, we’ve gathered tips from experts from all over the country to assist you and your space to begin moving on.
First and foremost…
Regardless of the situation you’re facing, please be gentle with yourself. An axiom for a reason, acceptance truly the first step when dealing with life’s most arduous challenges. Although it will take time to begin moving forward, it’s “especially important to give yourself that bit of grace you need and not expect or rush the recovery process. Instead, accept that you need time, be open to changes, and seek help if you need it,” says Flourish Psychology’s Dr. Sadi Fox. It’s important to remember that grief comes in all forms and can affect each individual differently and “It’s not only grief you’re processing, it’s trauma as well,” reminds Sadi.
Preparing a room for passing
Whether it’s by choice or not, “A home death of a loved one can provide comfort, knowing they passed in a familiar, safe space, but it can also bring up challenging memories during the grieving process,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Chelsea Kramer.
Although difficult, “Preparing a room for someone nearing the end of their life, or addressing a space after a passing, can be an important part of the healing process,” says Within Reach Natural Healing’s Dr. Devon James.
Crystals can help aid in this process by providing balancing energy and emotional support. Opt for amethyst “for its calming and protective properties,” and black tourmaline to absorb negative energy, recommends Devon. Stones like selenite and smoky quartz can also “make the space peaceful and calm [to] greatly help those passing as well as anyone who may be in the space,” says Josie, owner of Find Your Center.
Another great way to prepare the space as well as yourself is by recapitulation. This is “when a shaman comes into the home to gather the family and loved ones to let go of old wounds and say the ‘I love you’s’ and prepare the person’s energy for easy passage so they do not linger after passing,” describes Sage N Smudge’s Patrick Varvel.
Cleansing a space post-departure
After someone has passed, the energy of a space is, well, heavy, for lack of a better word. Starting to cleanse this space is a great starting point for moving on, but remember to approach these cleansing rituals and acts with the utmost care and intention.
Crystals can greatly help shift and improve the energy in a room where a death has occurred. “Crystals like black tourmaline or obsidian are excellent for absorbing negative energies, while clear quartz can help restore balance and peace to the space,” says Rock Paradise’s Alex Tchouchev.
Additionally, “Sage is excellent for clearing out any unwanted energy, and palo santo helps to invite in good and peaceful energy,” notes Devon. Use these sacred herbs by “lighting it and directing it through your space starting at the front door and working clockwise, with the intention to release any spirits stuck in the home, [and] make sure to have a door or window open so the smoke can channel out of the home, taking with it any residual energy,” tells Josie. You can also use rosemary, patchouli, or sage essential oils: “Rosemary essential oil clears stagnant energy and protects your aura. Patchouli grounds the space and brings emotional balance. Sage purifies and releases lingering energies, restoring peace and harmony,” suggests Josie.
Moving forward with your loved one’s room
What about the room belonging to the deceased? How do you begin going through their items, let alone stepping foot in the space that once belonged to them?
Growing with grief
Firstly, we’d like to reiterate how difficult this situation can be. After all, “Losing a loved one in any setting is an emotionally challenging experience,” reminds My Denver Therapy’s Kelly Albers, LPC.
Even if your loved one did not pass in your home, the space as a whole is deeply and intimately connected to the intricacies of your relationship, routines, and memories. Thus, “Reminders of loss can pop up in ways we do not anticipate, especially in our homes, where a particular room, object, or routine can evoke complicated feelings of sadness, anger, nostalgia, or despair,” says Align Therapy Services’ Dr. Rachel Larrain Montoni. Remember that these reminders may bring on various forms of pain and distress so, “It is important to note that all of us process and respond to grief in different ways. Observing or experiencing grief differently than those we live with can bring up all sorts of challenging emotions,” says Rachel.
The grieving process itself is not linear: “Some moments, days, or weeks may feel different or harder than others,” reminds Rachel. The process is also a deeply personal journey “where we honor the memory of those we’ve lost while navigating the complex emotions that arise as we return to our daily routines,” notes Lincoln Park Therapy Group founder and therapist Nicolle Osequeda. Please “be gentle with yourself and honor your own pace,” during this tough process, says Nicolle. “While going through grief, it’s important to remember to honor your feelings and needs each step of the way,” continues Kelly.
“Embrace the waves of emotion with self-kindness and compassion, recognizing that it’s okay to experience sadness, joy, or even confusion. Surround yourself with supportive friends and family, and remember that healing takes time; it’s perfectly okay to seek comfort in the memories that still bring you joy,” before even beginning to deal with your loved one’s room.
Clearing out the room
If you’ve deemed it’s time to tackle the room, first “Remind yourself that you’re not getting rid of their memory [and that] the person that passed is not going to want you to keep items that cause you emotional pain, as that doesn’t help you, nor is it how they want to be remembered” says Dr. Sadi Fox.
Although challenging, “Start by thoroughly cleaning and decluttering the room to symbolically and physically release stagnant energy,” suggests Jacqueline Campbell, therapist and owner of Restoring Minds Wellness.
“Sorting through their items — clothing, personal effects, photos — can be a powerful part of healing. Start slowly, sorting through smaller items and deciding what to keep, donate, sell or pass along to family members,” suggests Rebecca Tenzer, owner and head clinician of Astute Counseling and Wellness. During this process, Grief Tree licensed clinical social worker Lisa Zucker, recommends “creating a ‘maybe’ box for belongings you’re uncertain about, allowing time before deciding to donate or discard them.” And “Above all, be compassionate with yourself, and keep sentimental items that help you maintain a connection and continued bond to your person,” reminds Lisa.
Honoring the space
If you decide to redecorate, we have some suggestions to help you cleanse the space before you start revamping. Although “Dealing with a room after a death can be emotionally challenging, creating a positive, uplifting space is key to helping [you and fellow] family members heal,” says Jacqueline. She suggests starting by “open[ing] windows to let fresh air and natural light in, and [to] consider adding plants or essential oils like lavender or sage to cleanse negative vibes.” Another great way to bring light in is via candle: “Consider adding a battery candle in the room as a way to honor the space,” recommends San Diego Grief Counseling’s Mira Masukawa.
Oftentimes a room’s energy can still feel heavy or intense after home death, so we recommend further cleansing the space. To do so, consider using a sage bundle to help settle the energy. Bundles with lavender, rose, thyme, cinnamon, and rosemary are perfect for blessing the space and aiding in the transition process. Just “Open the windows and doors for a couple of minutes and burn white sage and rosemary [or a sage bundle] throughout the entire living space for an extra layer of protection and peaceful energy,” notes The Harmony Store’s sales manager Francisco Rijo. “There is power in sage, herbs and words, [so be sure to] speak a clear blessing and intention for the space and renew it with a sage-burning ritual,” suggests Elements of Sage founder Johanna Pay.
Crystals can also greatly help in transitioning a space and clearing out any unwanted lingering energies. Human Amplified founder Brandi Fleck’s favorite way is by using a selenite crystal wand. “Simply set the intention to cleanse the energy, ask your angels for support, and wave the crystal over the space in a spiraling motion to guide the energy out the window or door,” instructs Brandi.
You could also place selenite or black tourmaline “in every corner of the room for a continuous flow of cleansing and protection from any lingering negative energy,” suggests Francisco. “If the energy doesn’t clear after several tries or it feels harmful, then it’s time to call an experienced medium to help,” tells Brandi.
Redecorating the space while honoring your loved one
It can be extremely difficult to change the space belonging to your loved one. Even if you’ve thoroughly cleansed and feel it’s time to move forward, consider the following tips to help ease this room transformation while honoring and remembering your loved one.
Jacqueline recommends “personaliz[ing] the space with comforting colors, photos, or meaningful objects that promote warmth and positivity.” For example, you could keep a framed photo of them on a side table or one of their stuffed animals on a couch. As for paint, “Repainting the room can also help, as the current color may remind you of harder times; a new color can bring a fresh, positive energy,” says Mira. Opt for neutral comforting colors like sage, cream, lavender, or light gray. A good rule of thumb is sticking to a natural cool palette for the most positive energy.
Once again, please take your time with this stage and don’t feel pressured to change up the space. “If rearranging or bringing in new items feels helpful, do it. For others, keeping things the same may provide a sense of connection to the person who died. There’s no set timeline for going through their belongings — take the time you need,” reminds Greater Life Grief Counseling master of social work Kelly Daugherty.
Ultimately…
We are so sorry for your loss or impending loss, and our hearts go out to you. As trauma therapist and owner of Intentional Healing Counseling and Coaching Megan Shane reminds us, “Be gentle with yourself as you navigate both the loss and the triggers from your environment. Your body and mind may respond in overwhelming ways — whether it’s avoiding certain areas, feeling exhausted, or struggling with emotions. It’s normal for these feelings to come and go. Give yourself time to adjust and create a sense of safety in your space again.”
Certain crystals like black obsidian and kambaba jasper “are known specifically for their ability to help with grief, offering comfort, nurturing, grounding, and absorbing negativity,” says Contempo Crystals’ owner JJ Reed. “Additionally, stones like amethyst, aquamarine, rose quartz, and more can help lend a helping hand with sleep, anxiety, and heart healing during this period,” notes JJ.
Consider tools like journaling and find special ways to honor their memory. “You can opt for the birthstone or favorite stone of your friend or loved one that will help you feel closer to them,” says JJ. “You might consider maintaining traditions you shared such as cooking a favorite meal or listening to certain songs can [which can] be a source of comfort and help you feel connected,” says Eddins Counseling Group’s executive director Rachel Eddins. We hope these tips help you to move on, but remember talking with others helps and that a “professional grief counselor can also assist with the grief process and help you process your emotions.”
