As human beings, navigating grief can be one of the most difficult emotional challenges we face. For men in particular, it can be surprisingly difficult. As males, from a young age we are often brought up to suppress emotions, neither expressing them nor even allowing ourselves to fully experience them. Society has put men in a box that says, “Don’t talk about feelings”, or even worse, “Don’t feel your feelings so you can be ‘strong'”!
The problem with these expectations is that our emotions are as much a part of our humanity as our physical bodies. Saying that having emotions makes us weak, or that we should not want our emotions, is like saying that we should not want to have our right lung or left bicep. Emotions are not signs of weakness. Emotions are a part of being human.
Today, the ancient Greek philosophy of Stoicism, aimed most often at men, is rising in pop culture. This modern understanding of Stoicism however often misrepresents the original teaching, implying that to be Stoic means not having or showing emotions regardless of what happens to us. In reality Stoicism advises us to accept and process our emotions as they arise without delay, and without ever turning away from them. Authentic Stoicism teaches us to face our emotions as we would face our external challenges: with courage and openness. Allowing our emotions often takes more courage than pushing them down or running from them.
The cultural pressures on men today however are such that they feel like emotions are a sign of weakness. This puts men in an emotional “box”, – unable to express or talk about their emotions, and expected to do everything and anything to avoid being perceived as “weak”. While women are encouraged to be social, to engage with friends and talk about their feelings, men are often unable to release emotional pressure in this way, and are hesitant to admit painful emotions even to friends. It is no wonder that almost four times as many men as women die by suicide or seek treatment for alcohol related problems.
Navigating through grief successfully requires both attending to and allowing our emotions in appropriate ways, as well as reengaging with life and deciding how to move forward. This is often not simple, and usually even more difficult for men.
Each person’s journey through grief is different, but there are steps you can take that often make the journey easier:
1. Accept that you are having emotions.
2. Allow the emotions.
3. Figure out the most appropriate way to express the emotions.
4. Reach out for connection, whatever that looks like to you. Sometimes men worry that reaching out to male friends will make them be perceived as weak, while in reality their friends are often relieved to hear that other men share their unspoken pain.
5. Be aware that sudden anger or irritability that appears after grief may be a symptom of the grief itself, sometimes unexpressed or unresolved.
6. Resist the impulse to deal with your grief with alcohol, drugs, sex, or unhealthy coping behaviors.
7. If your grief persists, please reach out to a therapist.
As a man, learning to work with your feelings can be life changing. I am wishing you the best on your journey.
Therapist | Licensed Mental Health Counselor | National Board-Certified Counselor
954-834-3570
