It’s almost a certainty that at some point in your life, you will have a loved one, family member, or friend who is suffering through the grief process. Perhaps they have lost a family member, or friend, or a pet. What’s the best way to help them?
Let’s start with what NOT to do. Many of us try to do the following things thinking we are helping, but in reality, we are making things worse for our Griever and straining our relationship.
- DON’T Try to speed up your Griever’s healing. There are many reasons for this, – the first being that this is simply not possible. The arc of grief is different for everyone. Don’t think that anything you can do or say will somehow speed up the process.
- DON’T Avoid talking about the deceased. Many people think that it’s best to avoid any mention of the deceased. This serves to further isolate your Griever from who they are grieving over, and communicate to them that they shouldn’t talk about them either. Talking about our deceased love one can often help us through grief. Don’t take this away from your Griever.
- DON’T Compare Yours or Someone Else’s Grief to the Griever’s, or Minimize their Grief in any way. Each grief experience is unique. Saying something like “Well Joe’s wife died last year, he started dating and is very happy again. Why don’t you?” should be avoided at all costs. The Griever’s emotional world is their own. You don’t understand it, and it should not be compared to anyone else’s grief. Doing this will only serve to push your Griever away from you emotionally, not bring them closer and or make them feel better.
- DON’T Distance yourself or exclude the Griever from your life or social activities. “I didn’t think they would want to go, they won’t feel up to it….etc…”. Be honest with yourself. Do you really think this or is it just uncomfortable for you to be around your Griever? Perhaps it is, and that’s ok. Spend time with them anyway. If you want to help, the gift of your time and companionship can help your Griever more than you know.
- DON’T Conclude that since you can’t speed up your Griever’s healing that there is something wrong with you as a friend or partner! Grief cannot be cured, fixed, or sped up. Grief will change form and take less emotional space over time, but this is something only the Griever can do. As amazing as a friend or partner you are to the Griever, you cannot manipulate their grief. This is especially relevant to us males, who sometimes believe that we need to “fix” our partner’s emotions.
- DON’T Conclude that since it’s been (Fill In The Blank) months or years, “They must be over it by now. I don’t need to call anymore”. Is a friend grieving? Never assume. The most difficult times for people who are grieving are often after friends and family stop communicating or checking on them. Grief isolates. Stay in touch.
- DON’T say “Stay (Be) Strong”. Strength does not resolve grief. This statement also tells your Griever that they should turn away from emotions they may be feeling that might not be “strong”. Running from or turning our back on our emotions is rarely a good strategy when we are in pain. Don’t encourage your griever to do this.
So what DO we do? How do we best help someone who is grieving get through their lives each day? Here are a few ideas:
- DO Listen, Accept, and Support. Allow your Griever to express whatever they are feeling to you, without judgment on your part, with the ONLY goal of making them feel heard, validated, and supported. This can be more difficult than it sounds, but it is the best way to help. Did you notice the words “without judgment?”.Your Griever is in an emotional world of their own that might be new, upsetting, uncomfortable, and disabling. You do not understand this world. (That’s ok you’re not supposed to.) Making them feel judged in any way (invalidated) is a sure-fire way to push your Griever away emotionally. This is especially important if your Griever is your spouse.
- DO Ask “Can I do anything to help?” Even if the answer to this is “No”, you have demonstrated concern and a recognition that your Griever might still be struggling.
- DO Ask “How are you doing, really?” Many of us who are grieving think that it is considerate not to burden others with our struggles. We want to be seen as “ok”, “together”. If you feel close enough with your Griever, and want to do the best thing for them possible, giving them the invitation and permission to be real with you, along with listening from the heart non-judgmentally, is the most valuable gift you can give them.
- DO Ask yourself “What emotions am I feeling now?”. When you are feeling upset, impatient, annoyed, or angry at your loved one as they grieve (because they seem to just keep grieving and grieving!), identifying emotions you are feeling can help you separate from them and therefore react from a wiser and deeper place. It’s ok to have these (and all) emotions! It is usually difficult to watch someone we care about suffer. It’s just best to be able to resist acting or saying something that might not be helpful or at worst hurtful to your Griever.
As a former Griever and current Helper, I can attest that being in either role is not easy. But being a Griever or Helper are both journeys that can help us feel more deeply, care more deeply, and be more human in the best ways possible.
I wish you the best on whichever journey you are on.
Stephen Bradbery, LMHC, NCC
Therapist | Licensed Mental Health Counselor | National Board-Certified Counselor
